It’s been two months since I’ve wanted to blog.  It’s also been just over two months since I lost my Dad.  The irony of it all is that one day before he passed away, I wrote “Hands up,” in honor of turning 40.  And I thought I had life all figured out.  Then, just about 24 hours later, I sat in a hospital waiting room, staring down at my yellow converse, and feeling like the smallest person in the universe. Helpless.  He was gone and there was a hole in my heart bigger than anything I’d ever known.

If I look back in my life I see my dad painting a larger than life giant Smurfette on my wall when I was six. I see him building me a tv stand out of a metal trash can when I decided to make my bedroom look “industrial” at 13.  I can also hear the sound of his tools hitting the ground as relentless disease hammered away his ability to hold them in his hands and do what he loved. But in that sound, I never heard frustration.  Only optimism.  He somehow always worked through whatever it was, picked the tool back up, or figured out another way.  His outlook is something that I will forever look up to like I’m still nine years old.

So for two months, I haven’t written. Not trying to forget, but trying not to think about how final it all was. That night was so final. Final. It was and still is like hearing the tool drop on the garage floor. Knowing the ding means something bigger than you can comprehend. In the same way that he taught me lessons when he probably didn’t even realize I was paying attention, I thought about how he always handled everything with a sense of laughter and persistence, a sense of creative optimism that I can’t even explain. But I know it, because it feels like an old familiar warm blanket. Wrapped in love. And that is the very thing that I will continue to try to be good at in my life, because in that small way, he will never truly be gone.