Social media is fascinating.  It’s the double edged sword of the 21st century.  It can highlight the good and it can put a magnifying glass on the bad.  There is a story going viral right now about a teen having her birthday party alone. I love that this teen is going to be flooded with cards that will likely mean more to her than any of us can comprehend.  It’s going to be a really awesome surprise for her.

But, then I start to get frustrated.  The string of people proclaiming, “I’m sending a card,” goes viral.  Everyone proclaiming how terrible it is for this teen to be alone on her birthday.  Everyone who must not have any true idea of what autism is really like for families, for children, and for the world.

So while I get happy when kids with differences get a shot at being slightly more understood, I also wish for more.  Because of all the moments I hold in my heart when the world failed my own daughter, and because of the moments I know the world fails other children and adults who think differently…

Where were you when that child got sensory overload in the grocery store at 3, at 4, at 5 because the lights were too bright, the aisles too busy?  Maybe you just stopped and stared and judged the parenting.  Perhaps you were the one that even mumbled hateful things. At a family you had no idea was in crisis, trying to do normal daily stuff.

Where were you when a six year old needed a breathing treatment for the first time and a clueless nurse stuck a steaming mask towards her without explanation and then told her she was ‘overreacting’?

Where were you when school was the most horrible place a little child had to attend? When a classroom parent rolled her eyes and said, “Noooo thank you,”  at being partnered with “the bad kid” at a class party?

Were you at the appointments with neurologists and psychologists, trying to find out what what going on? Were you at the desk when they’d say, “Let’s wait and see.” and “We don’t know what the future holds.”

Were you there all the times that child was sent home from school because even school didn’t know how to help them?

Where were you when a soft hearted teenager who now understands himself more talked about being “the bad kid” in school when he was a kid?

I don’t know if you were there for any of that.  It was loud, and scary, and things that have scarred my heart in places I didn’t know my heart existed.  I was there for every single moment.

But you know what? I was also there for other moments.

The first time I heard, “I love school!”   The day she got a birthday party invitation.   The day she told me that she needed to put headphones on because the store was “too loud.”   The moment she won a karate trophy, surrounded by her friends, with her amazing teacher looking on.   The day she discovered her passion for drawing and everyday since where she just works at it harder than most people work at life.

I was there for the the day I realized that somewhere along the way, our lives had become less about autism and more about her.  A collection of moments in which she showed us that it’s the world that imposes it’s ideas on what ‘normal’ is, and it’s how we respond to it.

So, please, send a card for the viral story.  But take it further.  Because behind it is a real girl, with real feelings, and a chance for you to make a difference for someone else.   We’re all humans with struggles, with differences, with chances for you to make a day better for us.  Each and every one of us.

But, please, don’t stop there.  Don’t simply be aware that autism exists. Seek to understand.  Understand before you judge.  Offer help.  Listen. Ask questions.  You don’t need to post about that to change the world.  Look past the autism, the meltdown, the scary tantrum, the silent person sitting alone.  Because I promise, there is a real person there with a real heart.  And they have a real mom, dad, or sister, or brother, aunt, neighbor, teacher, or friend that loves them with all of their hearts.

So when you show understanding?   It might take longer or be more uncomfortable than clicking “Share.”  It’s that thing we do as humans where we get along side others, when we aren’t even sure, and just be there for them.  It might be really hard.   But I can promise you that one moment you take just might mean the world to another person, whether the world sees it or not.